Broken but Beautiful

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.” – Barbara Bloom

This process is called Kintsugi.

Thought for the day

The dark side

Week 9 post op.

I’ve been working really hard at all my exercises, doing them very diligently twice a day and really trying to increase my ROM (range of motion) and stretch that damn achilles tendon.

I thought I was doing pretty well. Then I went back to see my PT. She wasn’t happy with my ROM at all. She was horrified by my dorsiflexion (lack of it, rather).

I spent the next two days in depression again. I had worked so hard for weeks! Every damn step causes pain, I have literally been doing some exercises with tears welling up in my eyes (lunges, assisted squats and walking on toes). All that sweat and tears didn’t amount to anything?

Does it ever go back to normal? Most people say that are back at 90% after one or two years. Is it really so tough? How can I live like this?

I got engaged in August. I broke my ankle in September. Months ago, we had set our wedding date for 29th Nov (yesterday). Now we have pushed it to January, so that I would have time to recover and not be on crutches for my wedding (I probably can’t dance at my own wedding). Plus now I’ve put on weight, which I’m sure I can’t lose since I can’t run, jog or jump rope. The only good thing is that my fiancé has been my rock. He has been so patient and supportive, and has been with me every step of the way.

Is God really good? Sometimes I wonder whether God is mean and evil and he just causes pain and suffering. And its our job to overcome them and get on with life. Because come on, if God really cared about me, wouldn’t he at least make the pain less? It’s the least he can do. I pray, but now I’m thinking… is there any point? Why do bad things happen to good people? (assuming I’m good). It could have been a simple sprain, but no…. a complex fracture that needed surgery. And a shitload of torturous rehab. Seriously, give me a break! (not literally)

I just want to be normal again.

Things I learned from my broken ankle

A broken ankle is pretty much the worst and most challenging thing I’ve gone through in my life. I’m sure other people who have gone though the same would agree with me. But every cloud has a silver lining, and even though I’ve moaned and cursed my way through this, there are some positive things I got out of it.

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1. Patience

6 weeks of non-weight bearing was AAAAAARRRGGHHHH^#&#$@$&#@*%#!!  so frustrating. I was always a very impatient person. Not the type who can sit at home all day. But by the end of 6 weeks I had made my peace with it. I learned not to despair at the thought of more time at home.

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2. Appreciation

The human body is an amazing creation. You don’t realise how complex your ankle structure is until you break it. I will never again take simple things for granted, even walking. This event has really made me look hard at my exercise and diet, and I plan to work harder at staying fit and healthy. Take care of your health people… you never know what life throws at you.

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3. Perseverance and courage

Physiotherapy is a world full of pain. I would clench my teeth and repeat the mantra “Pain is gain…. pain is gain”. I would wince with every step, but keep on going. Do lunges with tears filling my eyes, but keep on pushing. Do your exercises, 2 or 3 times a day. Don’t give up folks…. your body takes time, but it heals again.

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4. Efficiency

I think breaking my ankle has made me a more efficient person. I actually have to plan things like trips to the bathroom or the kitchen, in order to do more stuff at the same time and not have to make more trips than necessary. I have definitely become better at planning my (uneventful) day. Plus, my aim has improved dramatically! I can now throw things across the room with great accuracy.

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5. I learned new skills

I work in film and TV production. My job involves being on my feet all day and running around a lot, on set or on location. Obviously when I broke my ankle I couldn’t go on shoots anymore, since its physically exhausting even when you are a normal healthy person. So I thought… how do I occupy myself indoors, since I can’t handle an outdoors job for another few months?I was always interested in design, and started doing small projects for friends and family… designing a website, creating logos, a business card and letterhead. I didn’t make any money from it, but it opened up new creative avenues and kept me busy instead of moping around all day. Take up a new hobby… even if its origami, it will help pass time.

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6. I found out who my real friends are.

Some so-called best friends of mine, who have known me half my life, never came to visit me even once through the entire ordeal. Never called to find out how I was doing. Never sent a ‘how are you’ text. Freaking fair-weather friends. They need a good kick, once my leg is better.

On the other hand, there were a few people who surprised me… kept calling, dropping by, helping out in small ways… people I hadn’t expected to care that much. These are the people that you can really depend on in bad times.

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7. Empathy

Suddenly I have this new found sympathy for disabled people and those in constant pain. Before I would just be like ‘Oh… that’s sad’, and then promptly forget about them and carry on with my life. But now I understand what they are going through physically and mentally, and how hard life can be. When I’m better, I’m going to donate to handicapped charities and maybe do some fund-raising to help.

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8. Be grateful

I would wake up every morning thinking ‘Why? Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this??’. I would cry out of self pity. But then I realised there are people a lot worse off than me. When I read about the Boston marathon survivor, about her leg being amputated after one and a half years and 16 surgeries, I suddenly felt like my problems aren’t so big anymore.

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9. Life is unpredictable

It takes just one second to go from being absolutely fine to spending 3 months in bed. Before my fall, I had my entire life planned out for the next few months. Then I broke my ankle and everything went out the window. Life, fortune and mishaps are unpredictable, nobody knows how long they live. Tomorrow is uncertain… Do what makes you happy. Do it while you still have the chance. It’s worth the gamble… I would rather regret something I did than something I didn’t do.

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Yes, life is unfair. Yes, its hard to stay positive.

But what I’ve realised… along with rebuilding your bones, you also build character. You have a lot of time to think. You can’t ‘run away’ from anything. You understand some things about yourself. You reset your priorities in life. And you may be a better, stronger person when you walk out of this.

“It is in times of greatest hardship that we experience the greatest personal growth.”

 

Review of scar treatments

1. Kelo-cote silicone gel

First thing I tried. This really didn’t do anything for me, I applied it morning and night for 2 weeks but didn’t see any difference. Its a sticky gel, if you put too much it doesn’t dry and remains sticky. If you put just about enough it still takes really long to dry, and then gets rubbed off on sheets and clothing in the next couple of hours.

Verdict: Did not seem to work. Not worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2. Vitamin E oil

I have the vitamin E capsules, I cut them open and smear the oil over my scar. It doesn’t do anything to make the scar look/feel better, but its good for massaging the scar and the area around it. I would use it at night before sleeping. Warning – some people get an allergy/rash when using vitamin E oil, test it on the inside of your elbow first.

Verdict: Messy and sticky. Use for massaging the scar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3. Bio Oil

It is light and non sticky…. definitely smoother to use than vitamin E. Absorbs quite well. I use this the same way I used the vitamin E, to massage it into the scar and leave it at night. Not sure if it is helping to diminish the scar.

Verdict: Use for massaging the scar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4. ScarAway silicone sheets

I noticed a difference from day one. My scar has become softer and flatter. I have been using this for about 3 weeks now, the colour of the scar has faded from bright red to a darker brown. It is definitely much less raised and the skin is softer to touch. I will update again when I finish the 2 months. They are pretty easy to use – like big band-aids… stick it on for 12 hours or more, remove and wash it with soap and water, let it dry and then wear it again. I like that it covers up the scar while it heals.

Verdict: Expensive, but definitely does more than the other scar creams/gels. Try it out… available on Amazon.

Thought for the day

Just started Partial weight bearing and physiotherapy yesterday.

Its pure torture, and this is motivation for anyone going through the same pain.

LAME Jokes

I broke my ankle, but it looks like it didn’t affect my ‘funny bone’. Some HUMERUS stuff –

The surgery cost an arm and a LEG…. was difficult to FOOT the bill

During 6 weeks non-weight-bearing, its ‘time to put your feet up’… as someone will wait on you hand and FOOT

After 6 weeks, I stubbornly decided it was ‘time to put my foot down’

For physiotherapy, I had to ‘put my best foot forward’ as my SOLE purpose was to walk again normally.

My dad said I needed to ‘stand on my own two feet’. I told him I needed time to HEEL.

Change is AFOOT guys! BRACE yourselves! Soon we will be FOOTloose and fancy free!

Back soon, after this BREAK.

Rant

Ankle exercises

Am in week 4 of my 6 weeks of non-weight-bearing. Am not in a cast anymore, but can’t put weight on it for 2 more weeks. Doc has advised to exercise the ankle 4 times a day… just move it around in circles and up and down. Try to get better range of motion.

The problem is, my ankle is so stiff that it feels like the bones are fused together. I can point my toes downwards, but I can’t point them towards my head. My foot doesn’t move backwards beyond a point (90 degrees). And my other good foot does , so its quite disheartening to see the difference and know how much the bad foot needs to catch up.

So I’ve figured that its the muscles and tendons that are really stiff, particularly the area above the back of my heel (achilles). There’s no way it will stretch unless the tendon or muscles get loosened up.

Enter Contrast therapy/Alternate heat-cold therapy. Athletes use this to recover from injuries faster. Basically you do this:

1. You heat the area for 10 min using a heat pack or hot towel. During this time stretch the tendons out as much as you can. You can use a towel around your foot and pull the ends towards you with your hands. Heat relaxes muscles and increases flexibility and range of motion. There is also less pain while stretching… yay!

2. Immediately follow with an icepack on the same area for 5 min. Continue to keep your foot stretched. This kind of freezes the tendon into its stretched mode.

3. Repeat procedure next day. You can continue the alternate hot-cold a couple of times in the session, but if you’ve had surgery like me, your ankle will protest. Slow and steady.

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TIPS:

Do not use overly hot or cold packs. Keep a cloth between the pack and skin to prevent burns/frostbite

Do not use on stitches/open wounds. Don’t use heat on swollen areas.

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Watch this video to know how to do it right –

Depression

Some days you just don’t feel like waking up. In any case you can’t get up and stand, let alone walk. What’s the point? Each day is a struggle and really, it feels like you’re going nowhere. Everyone is going on with their lives, while you are stuck in your bed, in your room, hobbling around on crutches. 6 weeks of non-weight-bearing is the longest 6 weeks of your life.

Breaking your ankle means losing all your independence. Someone has to wait on you hand and foot (pun intended). You have to be driven to the doctor, someone cooks for you, its a big achievement just to be able to shower and change by yourself.

You miss out on birthdays. You miss people’s weddings. You miss normal life, like being able to walk around the house, drive to the supermarket, go for a movie. Yes, you will be able to do all these things again, but right now, now you can’t. And it sucks. I’ve had to cancel upcoming trips… hotels and flights and concert tickets that I had booked before my ankle broke. That SERIOUSLY sucks.

More than coping physically, its tougher coping mentally. Even with all the books you can read and all the TV shows you can watch, you are so bored and depressed that you don’t want to do anything. You just lose the drive, the motivation for life. Because after the 6 weeks of NWB (non-weight-bearing), there will be another painful month of physical therapy. It takes about 3 months to get back to normal, sometimes longer, depending on the severity of your fracture. Right now I am in week 3 of NWB. Its a loooong road ahead.

Some days the depression gets the better of me. Some days I’m grumpy and snap at everyone. Some days I just cry. Some days I laugh hysterically. Some days I’m angry with God for putting me through this. How does one deal with it? I don’t have the answer.

This is what I know… It helps to have people come over. For an hour, you almost forget that your ankle is broken. It helps to eat your favourite food and watch comedy shows. Music helps lighten your mood. Big bear hugs from loved ones really help. It helps to try and learn something new… the internet is full of free tutorials on every thing imaginable. It helps if someone takes you out, for coffee or a meal, if you can handle it. Because honestly, sometimes you just need a change of scene. After a while your room feels like a prison cell.

Its been the most trying period of my life. Patience is not something I have a lot of. Reading other people’s ‘broken bone’ blogs, I’ve figured that its normal to feel frustrated. Everyone with a long recovery period has gone through it.

I started writing this blog just to give myself something to do, and to let all my feelings and frustration out. Stats show that people are actually visiting and reading my blog, and thats quite exciting 🙂